Tonks, Just Tonks (gns_tonks) wrote,
Tonks, Just Tonks
gns_tonks

Three Choices

This has been a strange week, to say the least. Exactly one week ago, Charlie and I were still together. He and I haven’t spoken since last Saturday night, the night of our terrible argument. I catch myself staring off into the distance, or sometimes at a peculiar spot on the wall, just thinking, daydreaming, remembering, wondering. I haven’t seen Charlie at work this week. I’ve kept my office door closed as much as possible. Part of me wishes I didn’t have to face work and another part wants to be possibly more outgoing than I normally am. My quiet side has won out over the past few days. I don’t know if it’s because I want to avoid Charlie at all costs or what; I mean, what would happen if we did run into each other? We would surely swap niceties and nod to one another, but that would be formulaic in light of all we’ve meant to each other, what we mean to each other still. I’m sure. It would kill me to see him. My heart flutters and my nerves twist every time I arrive at the Ministry or simply have to walk the halls of the Auror Department. I have told no one. I can’t tell whether I am ignoring and avoiding having to face the truth of this situation or if recent developments with Whizzy are truly for the best. I am so confused.

On the one hand I love Charlie; I will always love Charlie Weasley. I have always loved Charlie Weasley. I have loved him since our days at Hogwarts. I made a mistake by ending our relationship when we were young. I can see that now, although at the time I really thought I was making the right decision. I knew Charlie didn’t really want to join the All-England Quidditch team. I didn’t blame him; the coach was a prick and not a very good person. Win at all costs, with or without honor. It wouldn’t have been right for Charlie to sacrifice his principles just for fame and fortune. Charlie never cared about fame, but the fortune part, that was another story. At the time we were about to finish up with our NEWTS; seventh year was drawing to a close. He would have married me; I know he would have. And he would have taken the position of Seeker for the team and been paid quite nicely for it. He would have done that for me. But I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t and I didn’t. I ended our relationship.

And Charlie went to Romania. About as far away from me as he could get and still be in Europe. But that was best too. When he discovered his interest, dare I say, passion, for dragons even I knew at the time that he had found his niche, the place where he truly belonged. With me entering the Auror Academy we could have carried on with a long distance relationship, seeing each other for holidays and odd weekends every now and then. I know we could have done that. I would have done that…and then eventually I would have made the adjustments and changes necessary to be with him in Romania. That’s what we had planned. It would have worked.

But when the All-England team came into the picture everything changed. All-England meant money, a lot more money for him. It meant he could stay home. But when Charlie visited the Wizard’s Dragon Complex in Romania during the spring of our seventh year, we all knew that he was meant to work with dragons. He was so happy and even though I knew it meant we would be far apart, we were close enough that we could survive being apart. I just didn’t know if we could have survived if Charlie gave up something he had become so excited about doing, only to do something that was against everything he believed in. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t have lived with myself. We would have ended up hating each other.

But isn’t that what has happened anyway? Fat lot of good ending things way back when did us.

That’s it, Tonks, say what you have to say to make yourself feel better…

Then for over five years I did not become involved with anyone else. I didn’t want to, didn’t need to. I survived off of my memories of Charlie. I didn’t know at the time how he would carry on without me. There were so many times I thought about going to Romania, just showing up. I imagined the possibilities if I did. But I didn’t do that.

And then came Remus…

And then came Whizzy…

I didn’t forget about Charlie; I just moved on with my life.

I have never completely confided in Charlie my feelings for Remus Lupin. I suspect Charlie was more hurt by my relationship with Remus than he is willing to admit. I think he feels I betrayed him by falling in love with Remus. Maybe it would have been easier for Charlie to take if I had chosen some bloke that nobody knows instead of Remus Lupin. Everybody knew about me and Remus, even Charlie’s own family members. Charlie is the only one who didn’t know. I think that stung him when the truth was finally revealed.

I often wonder if marrying Whizzy was a wise decision. We were both in such vulnerable places in our lives at that time. I was still reeling from my failures with Remus and Whizzy was still suffering over the loss of his father. We needed each other so desperately. We had always been good friends but I never suspected he felt more for me than simple friendship. As Whizzy and I grew closer and our friendship began anew it felt so good to be with him. It felt right. Doubts didn’t linger in the back of my mind when I thought of him. His feelings for me were bold and definite. Our relationship held a stability and security that I hadn’t felt since Charlie Weasley held me in his arms all those years before. With Whizzy I felt protected in a way I never felt with Remus.

I wasn’t afraid of Remus, no, not at all. I just think I always knew in the back of my mind that he would drift away from me. It was like I never really had him in the first place; he was never really mine. He always kept a part of himself hidden from me and it was maddening. It made me desperate for him in a way. Never at any other time in my life have I ever been as reckless or as rash as I was when I was around Remus. When I was completely in love with him. Strange, because he is such a calm and logical person, always in control of his emotions and himself…well at least most of the time…

As different from each other as Remus and I are in character and personality, Whizzy and I are the same. Boisterous and outgoing. Gregarious and sociable. Only where Remus and I would clash over our differences, Whizzy and I would find ourselves at odds because of our similarities…each of us wanting to be the center of attention, each of us wanting the spotlight. I just finally couldn’t take not being the center of Whizzy’s love and attention. Whizzy paid more attention to his company and himself when we were still married, whereas Remus was always focused on carrying on with Dumbledore’s work. Between the ‘cause’ and that god-damn lycanthropy, he made a pretty good martyr, one who had no room in his life for a love interest, no matter how much that love interest continually insisted otherwise. Some of the arguments Remus and I had would make what happened between me and Charlie last week look like a playground scuffle.

Remus and I were just too different.

Whizzy and I were too much alike.

Charlie and I were just right…

This one was too hot. And this one was too cold. But this one was just right.

I need to talk to Whizzy. We have to make sure we are making the right choice. It was easier to talk to him when we were just friends.

Sex complicates things…muchly.
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